I Feel Sorry For Mountains

We took the motorbike out to the beach again today, just you and me. You wanted to start with a quick sandcastle, but quickly gave in to the lure of the ocean. The waves were a bit big and I could tell you were scared. I had sworn to myself not to push too hard this trip, so to let you find your comfort zone yourself. The ocean can be intimidating and I want you to find your place in it on your own.

We started timidly. Holding hands. Ankle deep. Running back to the safety of the shore. Your eyes sparkled and your yelps were uncontrollable. I watched as you looked from the waves to the horizon, amazed that anything could be so vast and powerful.

Knee deep now. The water sprays your face. You lick your lips and wipe away the foam. You let go of my hand and feel the water with both hands.

"Try just swimming around here. If you feel like you are losing control, just stand up."
"I don't want to."
"Okay than, just hold my hand."
"Can we go further out?"
"We can go as far as you want."

Waste deep. You are scared and excited. You let go of my hand and quickly doggie paddle about, springing up at the first sign of a breaking wave. The weather is perfect. The sun plays hide and seek behind the clouds. The next wave knocks you down. You face is underwater. I see your feet pop up. I am sure that our day in the surf is over. You spring up, wiping the water from your face. You are laughing.

"Never fight the ocean. It is is too strong. If you try and stand up to it, it will knock you down and you will lose control. The secret is to go with its flow. Swim with the waves. Don't try to be still. Move. Flow. Kick."

You are listening. Watching the waves. Weighing your options. Next set-incoming. You turn your back slowly and jump forward to catch a wave. You kick holding your head above the water. You go under, but you spring back up. I am so proud of you.  Later, we are sitting in the wet sand as the tail end of waves lap up against our bodies.

"Isn't it amazing that all these pieces of  sand are just tiny pieces of rocks from old mountains? The ocean keeps smashing against the earth turning it into sand."
"Yeah, but I feel sorry for mountains turned into sand." You sift the tiny pebbles through your hands.
"Where do new mountains come from?"
"Pieces of the earth are always moving and when they bump up against each other they form mountains like this." I show you with my hands.
"Can we go back in the waves? I want to practicing going with the flow."

Almost Five

Dear Kaia,

Today was such a proud day for me. Not just because you got an amazing report from your teacher; well that was part of it, but it was because I can see the amazing little lady you are becoming. To watch you interact with your friends and our friends and your teachers and strangers makes me so happy. You are not yet five, but you exude such confidence and joy. You are intense and passionate and such a beautiful child.

We have started to give you some early birthday presents and to watch you drawn to them is amazing. Sometimes, I wonder where the line is between giving you opportunities, and influencing who you are. I see so much of me in you and this is worthy of admiration and pride and fear. I want you to be your own person, but to see you love taking pictures with your camera, or yearning to learn how to snorkel with your new fins and mask is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you for showing such eagerness in trying the things that re so important to me. I only hope that they will equally enrich your life.

Today was the piece de resistance. We gave you your first guitar and to watch your eyes light up and ask me to grab my instrument so we could play together made my heart sing.

I dream of the day when you are older and we walk down a quiet beach after a day of diving, guitars in hand, ready to sing by a fire, after a day of taking photographs. Am I using you to create a mimi-me? Perhaps, but I hope you take these tools that I value so much and make them your own. I will guide you and share what I know, because I cannot wait for the day when you do the same for me.

One day you will gently strum a six string and sing like I never will. I love you more than I ever thought possible. You are my life. You will be five soon and you are already my best friend.

Kaia's Report Card

Dear Kaia,

We received one of your first report cards the other day, and I have been feeling a sense of beaming pride ever since. While you can be stubborn, ornery, and generally difficult to be around, there is a fire inside of you that burns so bright it makes me happy. I was extra pleased when I could see that this energy is coming out in your daily learning at school.

I hope that when you are older we can look back on reports like this and say, "Yup, you have been this amazing ever since you were born!"

Here is a section on learning from your report when you were in Pre-K at Sinarmas in Indonesia:

Kaia is a dynamic child who shows great talent in literacy and numeracy. She has the ability to quickly learn the lyrics to songs and in this way, she is a good role model for her classmates. Kaia is also adept at developing and understanding of new concepts and applying these to new situations.  She is naturally inquisitive, and always asks questions and seeks further information about topics of interest. She usually tries to listen and participate during circle time. Kaia’s energy and enthusiasm toward learning is infectious. She sometimes needs prompting to stay on task rather than rush through activities. She has show herself to be a risk taker by always being willing to try something new, speaking in front of the class and showing confidence to perform on the stage for an audience. Kaia is well liked by her peers. She is honest, strong-willed and has a sense of fair play. Kaia works very well in groups collaborating with her peers. In class, Kaia engages in a variety of activities from art to computer to playing with blocks. During recess, she usually like to play in the swings with Karen. Keep up the good work Kaia!

These are the words I have always dreamed of using to describe you, and here they all are:

• dynamic
• role model
• naturally inquisitive
• energy and enthusiasm toward learning is infectious
• try something new
• risk taker
• confidence
• honest,
• strong-willed
• sense of fair play
• works very well in groups 

Keep up the good work indeed. Love you!

Princess

Dear Kaia,

It appears I may have over reacted again and made serious something that was better left innocent. Your fourth birthday is coming up, and your mother and I are starting to plan your party. We went and booked a local pizza place here in Doha, and then asked you what kind of theme you would want for the party. First you said Hello Kitty, because we happened to be walking by a Hello Kitty stand, but later when we showed you some other ideas you went straight for the Disney Princess theme.

For some reason, that doesn’t seem as important right now, a mere twelve hours later, I was upset. I guess I see the princesses as a collective symbol of several things I do not like or admire. What those values are, are not important right now. I just wanted to write and explain why I react this way.

First and foremost, I do these things because I love you beyond belief. I do these things because I don’t trust society. I do these things because I want you to be free from the trappings that we accept as cultural norms. I do these things because I am afraid. I do these things because I want you to be aware.

I am writing now however to apologize and confess. After speaking with friends, many people made it clear that not only should I let your infatuation with these empty starlets pass, but many made the point that perhaps by being so upset and trying to influence your tastes, I am doing exactly what I abhor- forcing my ideas onto you. This has never been my intention. But I am left wondering, when is sharing values, ideals, and ideas with your child good parenting, and when is it obtrusive brainwashing?

It is hard work this parenting thing. How do we know for example when we are acting as a moral pillar and when we are the hammer? When is our influence helpful guidance, and when is it soul crushing dogma?

These are tough decisions we must make. Since before you were born, all I have wanted for you is for you to be a creative, independent, kind woman. An open thinker who questions everything, follows noone, and seeks out adventure. Thinking about it now, I sound like I want you to be me, or better stated, the me I want to be. Is that what we do as parents? Try to recreate ourselves in our children? Is this okay? Is this evolution?

I honestly do not know. I just feel that every choice we make for you at this time, because you are too young to make your own, will shape and determine who you will become. Every choice seems to be critical.

My friends say that I should relax and simply lead by example, and they are most likely right. I am not sure how old you will be when you read this, but I hope that it explains many of the arguments we are most likely to have had as you grew up. I hope that it sheds light on why I felt it was so important that we never take anything for granted and that we always challenge what other people deem as normal.

I hope that you understand that if we want to recreate our society, and if we want to help reshape what we find unacceptable than we must always stay true to our ideals.

I just wanted to unload some thoughts here, because honestly, I feel badly about how upset I was by this simple choice you made when you were four! I hope you have an amazing birthday, and I will do everything I can to make it special. I will try not to make judgments or unnecessarily force you to carry my dissatisfactions. If you want to be a princess, then a princess you shall be.

Finding my inner princess,

Dad

Friends, family, readers of this blog, please feel free to leave any advice.