July 17, 2006


Dear Kaia,

You and Mairin are asleep downstairs and my mind is heavy with the events of the world. You were born in a very tense and strange week in global events, but I have come here to write to you to escape that angst and pain.

Only to enter another world of anxiety: That of parenting. I can’t believe that you are only nine days old, but you are teaching me lessons everyday. The first lesson is my ability to control my worrying about you. Since we first learned you exist, we have held our breath from one blood test to another, hoping that you will be okay. We just got back from your first doctor’s appointment, and we were waiting for some hyperthyroid results, and all weekend in the back of my mind I asked myself, “What if the results are bad?”
In the shower, as I fell asleep, I worried about you and your health. However, I started to learn that if I maintain these levels of anxiety, I would burn out, because ultimately I realized I will worry about you till I die. I am learning slowly to have faith in the power of not controlling the world and allowing you and your health to ebb and flow, as I am sure it will. However, I now understand the fretfulness that plagues parents as they watch their children grow.

We came back from the doctor and all your tests came back okay, she said you are a tiny bit underweight, but join the club. I have been rail thin my whole life. You are starting to feed better, which is relieving some other stress for your mother and I. It feels so strange to sit here and “talk” to you in a sense. I was looking in a book today to find out when it is you will smile for the first time. That is not for a few more weeks. I will have to enjoy this time, as it passes and wait for that to come. That is a whole other lesson you are teaching me…cherishing every second with you.

Off to the doctor

Napping with Mom

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